In Search of Lost Soul

People who are afraid of long preface, better not to read it other than questioning it. :D

I don’t know what I want from my life. I am still searching for it. But I am sure that I don’t want it the way it is going right now. Living this way is not my real goal. Sharing my thoughts with people is not the solution but I am still doing it with no specific reason. I neither want anyone’s sympathy nor want others to feel pity on me because I know for all these are mere words, but for me, this is a phase of life. That’s called unstable state of mind. I admit.

Life has challenged me every now and then. I wonder how I’m still surviving, ravelling puzzled knots of life, sometimes cursing myself and my luck, and sometimes blaming others. Every time I step ahead and feel like I am close to my aim, the very next moment my direction changes and I move two steps back. Life is going back and forth aimlessly. It has become constant and now I actually hate the quote "go with the flow" because I am sick of this slow pace. Such adage sounds good but sometimes hard to implement in real. I’m completely shattered being in my own palisade with isolated boundaries. Although I know this is not the right approach and I don’t want it to overpower me but unfortunately it is happening. Situations are curbing around and dragging me away, away from many things. It’s been 20 years since I’m hearing the same words, “you will definitely get what you seek for” but no; there’s a limit to everything so as my patience.

Even relations have become more practical and formal. At this age, you become so eccentric that you don't feel like bothering your parents and you relentlessly want that one person to rely on completely, no matter how independent you are. A person with whom you can be as weird as you want to be. Irrespective of your craziness that person loves you. I won’t deny that I’ve a wonderful family and few loving friends who are always there for me in every thick and thin but on a serious note they have their own life. They are not going to be with me forever. Strangely as a solution to my problem, people advised me to get married. That was the funniest advice I’ve ever got. Even in married life, I’ll be scared of others. I’ll be confused whether people will accept me the way I am or I will have to lose my identity to impress them. I’ll have to think twice before saying and doing anything. I’ll have to take permission even for meeting my parents. Will the other person understand me? Will he love me unconditionally regardless of my flaws? Will he be supportive?.....and many such questions arise when I think of marrying someone. So I know it’s not the solution either.

Motivational speeches, inspirational stories, making ideals and many more activities make your mind calm for few hours or a day or two but then you turned out to be the same. After analysing, I’ve realised that I’m looking for my happiness in others. I’ve spend my whole life in making people smile. I’ve realised that in this race I’ve lost my inner peace. I’m not happy within despite the good things going around me. I’m not satisfied and have started questioning self-reliability and my own identity.

Henceforth, I have lost the real ‪#‎ME‬. I’m not depressed or lonely. I am just distracted. And the person whom I used to love the most was none other than ME and I need it back.

Hey you!!! Yes you, please don’t judge me until and unless you don’t know my story.

PS: For the ones, who think that it's about advertising your emotions then sorry to say you don't know the real sense of writing.
PPS : It's simply a post. Although It's written by me but it doesn't mean you will start correlating it with my life.

Journey of being strangers to friends to lovers then back to strangers

There was a day when I used to hear about love and was fascinated how it was and how it feels to be in love, but never experienced it.
I wanted to fall in ‘Love’ and feel its beauty, its magic.

I was waiting for the person to enter in my life and tell me how special and important I am in his life and in this world. And one day you came, your care, love, attention, your uniqueness & everything made me felt SPECIAL.

With love came arguments, insecurities, fights, possessiveness, fears and most importantly responsibilities, these feelings let the magic of love reduce away and I started to feel love was just a mere emotion...no magic...just illusion.

Now I don’t get jealous when you talk to other girls, now I don’t complain when you give me least priority in your life and now even I don’t blame you for not giving me time.

It’s not that I had stopped feeling all this, it’s just that I had stopped showing and speaking about it because I guess that’s a better way to avoid arguments because expecting you would change these habits of yours, has always given me disappointments. I actually never wanted to change you, i just wanted you to take care of my likes, dislikes, the way I care for you.

You thought I was over-possessive, insecure, immature but I was instead extra caring, afraid of losing, and madly in love with you and I guess you were not happy that way so I can’t stop my feelings but I can stop myself from expressing it so here I am, pretending to be that kind of girl you wanted, sensible and mature but that’s not the real me.

My eyes don’t light up when I hear your name anymore. I don’t get chills when you walk by and my heart doesn’t race when you smile my way. You don’t get to me like you used to. You’re just a memory in the back of my mind. So don’t be surprised next time you make your way past me and I don’t even glance your way. And don’t bother trying to talk to me, you won’t get a response. I’m done fighting the same losing battle. The saddest part is that you have no one to blame, but yourself. I know in actual you’ll blame me for every single thing. I gave you every chance you could have asked for and you messed up every time. Now I walk around with nothing but a smile on my face and I laugh louder than ever before.

I hope one day you’ll realize I did truly care for you. I promise you’re going to miss me being there, putting up with you, and refusing to give up on you. You’re going to regret everything you’ve done to me, including all the damage you’ve caused. And someday, you’ll turn back and I won’t be waiting for you any longer. I might have been worthless to you, but you’ll miss me when I’ll become priceless to another.

"It takes millions of people to complete the world, but it only takes YOU to complete ME!"

This quote used to be true but now you’ve taken enough advantage of my feelings. Reality is, you lost me. Be happy.

Source: Few lines from quotation and Prateek's tag

True Love Persist

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grass-fire in a 100 kilometers ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:

"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:
"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

There are rare people like him but happy to see that they still exist.

Source: Social Monsters

Mum's Birthday Bash - 28th Feb - A Date to Remember

A love beyond compare, the one you take your troubles to, she is the one who really cares. Mother, you are all of this and more, i love you very much. Today is the most special day of the year because if it weren't for the day you were born, I wouldn’t have been born either!! :P ;)

Thank you for bringing a “Nautanki” like me in this world.
~~ Happy Birthday my lovey-dovey, Mum♥ God bless you ennaa shaaraa~~

So I thought expressing my feelings in Hindi for a Sanskrit and Hindi teacher would be better( Aap isi se kaam chla lo as you know I don’t know Sanskrit) :D
I bet motherhood isn’t all you thought it would be. But, because it is your birthday, I want you to know….

SHABAD JO ZINDAGI BADAL DE,
VO ANMOL VACHAN HAI MAA…
Pehli baar…
Palken khuli toh maa thi..
Tutlati huyi boli toh maa thi..
Bed-wetting ki toh maa thi..
Chalte huye giri toh sambhalne ko maa thi..
Mera har nakhra sehne wali maa thi…

Ghar-2 khelne se lekar,
Badminton saath khelne mein maa thi…
Walk par antakshri se lekar,
Door-2 tak race lgane wali maa thi..
Koi vegetable na pasand ane par,
Chhup kar maggi bnakar dene wali maa thi…

Mere home work se lekar,
Mere project work mein kaam karvane wali maa thi…
Mere competitions se lekar,
Exams preparation mein raaton ko jaagne wali maa thi..

Meri pehli baar ki sadi huyi chaye se lekar,
India ke nakshe jaisi roti khush hokar khane wali bhi maa thi..
Mere bachpan mein punjabi ko pujami aur Duggal ko Duddal
Kehse se lekar..
Meri aj ki hindi ke ‘thathe ko double A ki matra’ (ठे) par hasne wali maa thi…

School admission ki interview se lekar,
PT meeting tak mein maa thi..
11th mein medical lene se lekar,
MBA karne ki zid mein maa thi…
Entrance exam mein marks kam ane se lekar,
University top karne tak saath dene wali maa thi…
Job join karne se lekar,
Mere targets poore karvane mein maa thi…

Mere late hone par,
Meri majboori samjhne wali maa thi…
Mujh par dil se bharosa karne wali maa thi…
Mere bhai-behan se lekar,
Ek ache dost tak har rishta nibhane wali maa thi..

Mujhe sorry kehne se lekar,
Mujhse sorry kehalvane mein maa thi…
Vo chori se meri personal diary padhne se lekar
Mere white board par likhe thoughts par comment karne wali maa thi..
Meri stupid inventions se lekar,
Khud ko Albert Einstein ki copy kehne ki gap-shap mein maa thi…

Mere ladkon wali sharaton se lekar,
Ladkion wali back-biting mein maa thi..
Pyaar karne se lekar,
Kaan kheechne tak mein maa thi…
Papa ki daant se bcha kar,
Fir us baat ko samjhane mein maa thi…

Mujhe soft-hearted se lekar,
Bold bnane tak mein maa thi..
Mere music bhoot se lekar,
Mere photo session ko jhelne wali maa thi…

Dharmik baaten samjhane se lekar,
Technology mein saath interest dikhane wali maa thi..
Mere fashionista se lekar,
Mere desi pan mein maa thi..
Mere Chad Michael Murray-Barun Sobti ke crush par hasne se lekar,
Mere blog men likhe senti articles par rone wali maa thi..

Shaadi ke rishton se lekar,
Har ulti-seedhi baaten karne mein maa thi…
Mere resign dene se lekar,
Mera kuch alag sa karne ki chah mein saath dene wali maa thi..

Jab mere rone, hasne, ghumne, pagalpan, sab ache bure mein maa thi…
Jab meri har pehli se akhiri baat mein maa thi..

Toh aj ke itne khaas pal par apko thanks karne mein
Pta nahi lafz bhi kyun kam pad rahe hain…
Shayad yehi khasiyat hai maa ki….
Maa har lamha pass thi, hai aur rahegi..

Ise padhne wala har insan meri bhawna samjhega
Kyunki aisa koi nahi jiske aj ya kal mein maa na thi…
Aur aj ke khaas din par meri life ke khaas insaan ko
Ek khaas b’day present yehi hai
Ki kabhi kuch bhi ho jaye..jaise aj tak dhal ban kar aap mere liye khade rahe
Vaise hi main lifetime oops umar bhar apki dhal bankar apka saath nibhaungi

And I know, for you mum, this is a far better promise than those materialistic gifts which I give you…
Oh mum!! bear with this long poetry :D :D
Once again, Happy wala Birthday :* ♥Kamna Duggal♥ and sorry for being such a little shit :D
Happy B'day to Bauji as well. Bauji, hope you're looking at us from the heaven :*
P.S.:Papa you're my second mother or i should say that you've played an equal role of a mother :*♥
P.P.S: It's my copyright ;) :P

MY DESI PUNJABI COMMENTARY *IND vs PAK* *ICC WORLD CUP 2015*

Views before 1st Inning:

Hi5 to those who were eagerly waiting for Indo-Pak match other than Valentine's Day *Atleast I'm one of them* ;)
And surprisingly, it is one of the match where I don't snatch away the remote from papa.


Views after 1st Inning:

300/7 Indian Bowlers please don't let us down.
It seems now even Almighty is tech-savvy *Baba g please fb se hi prayers sunlo* *Fast Network* :P :D
*We Won't Give It Back* ‪#‎IndVsPak‬ ‪#‎WorldCup2015‬


Views while 2nd Inning and amassed later:

~~~~~~~~~MY DESI PUNJABI COMMENTARY ~~~~~~~~~

Today I was completely in the form of a typical Indian old lady (specifically punjabi touch) so thought to share (sharing is caring) ;) and here are few of my taglines captured by my parents and mimicked after we won :

Me: Biting my nails till 15th over of Pak innings
and then....
-> Baba g ah Shehzad nu half century na bnaun dayio..11 rupees da parshad chadaun and he was gone.
-> Yadav bas ik wicket lae ke hi sau gia and another wicket gone.
-> Hare Krishan Mantra around 50 times (Parents: rabb nu ehna yaad exams vich vi kar liya kar)
-> Krishan g ah Afridi kyun run bnaun lag giya...ehda patta katto..sda jiha hva marda hai and even he was gone.
-> Shami ah ki sixer then fourer...kutt pau..Pak val zada pyaar na dikha and then his 4th wicket.
-> Rabba ah Misbah nu dfa karo..eh tan jam ke hi beh gya..baba g je tuhade vich power hai tan chakko ehnu (Challenge to the Almighty) and he was also gone.
-> Baba g ah vichare Mohit Sharma nu vi wicket dva dio 0-29 ne and wicket gone.
-> Haye rabba ah Sohail Khan nu na chhadio..sade je ne 5 wickets lae layian c (The moment Kohli passed a comment )
-> Krishan g 11 rupee da parshad hor chadaun India bas jitt jave...rabb tuhanu lambi umar deve (God ko hi blessings)
-> Atlast we won (mja aa giya bali akad dikhaunde c) *gOOd WorK*

*Sarcastic Comments with jhinga lala dance* was enough for the mockery.
‪#‎IndVsPak‬ ‪#‎WorldCup2015‬

'NO OFFENCE' IT WAS A GREAT INNING BY BOTH THE TEAMS* MORAL : Kalyug mein bhagwan zada jaldi sunte hain toh keep on praying :)
Now for the next sunday :P

P.S.: Rs 22 in the account of Baba g :D

What no one tells you about- Self-Realization

I often write about issues or sometimes a kind of lessons which are based on others, but this time I made up my mind to write about myself. And guess what????

Ummm!!! I was unable to gather words to express :p :P
Who I am? What is a purpose of my life? Why I am here?
It took me hours and hours to think…
Surprisingly, my mind got boggled with “Ws”..Why..Who..Where..When..What..Whom…How.. But I was unable to answer any of the questions. I was BLANK

Since childhood, I’ve been a disciplined daughter, a loving sister and of course a loyal friend. But while maintaining these roles, sadly I’ve lost MYSELF, my “existence”. I realized that I’m living only for others. When I looked into the flashback, I saw a different picture that it’s me and only me who is going after these relationships and tomorrow, if I’ll stop playing these roles then I’ve nobody to take a stand for me. Not even a single person, to whom I can say YES!!! he or she is MINE. Then again a question came to my mind “Why I am running behind them?” Am I hungry for praises or chocolates or will I be given a medal for this?

Then my mind got a ting tong “Ruchita, It is our SANSKRITI (Indian Ethics)” which I know was not the exact answer. I was still at the same place, with same unanswered questions.

Then to make myself happy, I recalled the words of my friends. They call me a good leader or an adviser or sometimes a mentor, but the point of concern is “Am I actually true to their viewpoint?” “Am I actually a good adviser?” :o :o If I’m so good to them, then why can’t I be the same for me? Once again, I was NUMB.

On this Independence Day, while discussing with my mum on our country’s bullish and bearish graph; I questioned myself that Am I "Independent"??

As I’m demanding for my country’s complete Independence but being a proud citizen of my country what am I contributing? Am I happy? Am I living my life to the fullest? Because unless I won’t be satisfied with myself, then how will I think about positive perspectives to help out my country.

After a long world war with my brain and heart, I correlated my life with a #DONKEY (dhenchu dhenchu) There is nothing to laugh about it, it’s true. :|

Waking up early (demanding for 5 mins more to sleep), jumping out of the car, rushing behind buses (putting up headphones…giving tough looks to the passengers who stares at me), calling at home after reaching workplace(papa’s over possessiveness), working constantly in front of the laptop (resulting in mote-2 chashme urf spectacles), bearing weird customers( Oops!!! Customer is a kingpin), above all tolerating extra annoying branch head and his targets, getting back to home (in the evening, each second counts..Oh Fish!!! 5 mins late means papa ki gusse wali shakal or kehna kal se job par jane ki zarurat nahi) then late night studies and it goes on and on….. I've been cogitating all day and getting nowhere.

Trust me; it’s really hard to survive in such an atmosphere where your each and every step is noticeable. Unfortunately, I’m forced to live in it. Although I’ve thought many a times to cross the bars, but lamentably I still subsist in such conditions. This society and rules seem like a snake’s fangs.

After a deep thought, I literally stood up and looked at myself in the mirror and came across the point that Ruchita, you are actually devastating yourself. This realization was a distressing state for me. Willingly or unwillingly it’s me, who is the real culprit for my condition. Well, what is the need of thinking about it until and unless I don’t take a step against it?

Now it’s enough, I’m tired of this monotonous routine. I want to breach the palisade surrounding me. This conversation with my soul knocked-out my mind, wrenched me free from the boundaries and it jerked me to move ahead, ahead of all negative vibes whether mentally or physically. I believe that I’m my only best friend and a well-wisher. I know time and again, I get distracted from the right path, a path towards peace, a path towards success, a path towards self-complacency. But I know by giving time to myself, I’ll be able to overcome it wholly. After few hours of this thought process, I’m actually feeling relaxed and more focussed towards my aim. And a plus point is that I’ve my pet MAC with me, whose love always boost me up.

So guys, it is really good to help others, but firstly help yourself by loving and giving time to oneself.